The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
