If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
