I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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