either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Sober January is a disaster.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
