Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
