I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
