You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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