Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
