He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
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Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
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It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.