Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.