I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?