Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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