i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
