we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
