Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
this just has baby written all over it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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