I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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