When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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