i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
