Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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