You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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