I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
