I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
