even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
