so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
