I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
