so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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