dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
