I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
it's great music for shaving your balls
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
