i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
