It's just like the Real World with babies
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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