Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
