I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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