I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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