just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
