i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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