upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.