you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
