i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
