Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
God I need to hump something, right now.
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