i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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