Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
