I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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