I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
