if only i could text you this smell
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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