the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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