I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
