this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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