dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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