She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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