my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there was a trapeze. enough said
sarcasm needs its own font
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
