He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
