He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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