I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
