I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
