I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
