My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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