nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My penis needs a shock collar
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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